A Question of Identity

Posted on May 1, 2012 by thesmartexpat

How has relocation challenged your identity? (Photo: istockphoto.com)

Its been a busy month and I’m afraid my already erratic blogging schedule has suffered.  I’ll be writing about some of the things that I’ve been working on over the coming weeks but today I’m going to talk about identity which is the topic for Friday’s Expat Partner Online Coffee.

When the psychologist Erik Erikson coined the term “identity crisis”  in 1970, he was talking about the process of identity formation as experienced by adolescents.  Erikson spoke of an idenitiy of sameness and continuity, a relatively static concept.  However, those of us who move overseas know that moving to a new country can challenge our identity, our sense of self, on many levels.  We often start to appreciate as we become accustomed to living overseas, that the experience has, on some level, changed us fundamentally.  Looking at my own experiences, here are some of the ways that they have changed me:

1. When I first moved, my cultural identity was very much tied into my national identity.  While I still identify myself as Scottish, my views are more multi-cultural.  I understand the relativism of cultural perspectives and am not only more tolerant of cultural mores which are not my own but have adopted some which are definitely not those I grew up with.

2. Re-learning how to do simple daily tasks in several new countries where I don’t know the language has challenged my sense of self  as a competent and confident person (though this is usually only temporary).  On the positive side, I’m a person who can organise and execute and international relocation in 6 weeks and I can get things done in unfamiliar places.

3. Relinquishing my career to stay at home with the children has been a huge shift in identity.  I’m part of a generation of women who expected to have careers and continue them when we had our families – we actively rejected the 1950s/1960s ideal of a mother who stayed at home with the children.  Like many women, my identity was deeply entwined with what I did. So when I stopped working because moving internationally, maintaining a career and having young children seemed impossible, well, let’s just say it was definitely (maybe on some level still is) an identity CRISIS!

4. My foreign language capabilities in school were not that great.  I never thought of myself as a linguist.  In the last 15 years, I’ve learned to function in 4 languages besides my mother tongue.

5. Like women around the world, whether they’ve moved or not, being a mother has become a key part of my identity.   On some days that’s a good thing, on others not so much, but it’s part of me that is not going to change.

6. I’m an introvert by nature; happy in my own company, but moving around, making new friends and becoming part of new communities has made me step out of my introvert’s shell and take on some more extrovert characteristics.

Those are just some aspects of my identity that have changed but other things about me remain relatively unchanged; my fundamental values, I’m still an introvert at heart, there is still a core of me which is (for better or worse) tied up in having grown up in a very small community.

What challenged your identity when you moved overseas?

What aspects of yourself have remained unchanged?

How has living in a different culture and forming new social groups changed you?

Louise Wiles, Judy Rickatson and I will be discussing these and other questions when we talk about the “Impact of Relocation on Identiy and Sense of Self ” at the Expat Partner Online Coffee this Friday May 4th at 13:00 London/08:00 New York/20:00 Hong Kong  (if you’re not sure about the time in your own location check here ‘http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/converter.html).  Join us by clicking on this link https://www.linqto.com/rooms/thesmartexpatlive

We’ll continue the discussion on the Expat Partner Online Coffee Facebook Group (its a closed group, so you’ll have to ask to join).   Join us for what promises to be a lively discussion.

Filed under: Accompanying Partners, Coaching, Expat Culture, Identity, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , | 5 Comments »

Grab Your Coffee Cup and Join Us!

Posted on March 21, 2012 by thesmartexpat

Build your Support Network at the Expat Partner Online Coffee (photo: istockphoto.com)

You’ll remember that back in January,  Louise Wiles and I had the opportunity to participate in a conversation among accompanying partners hosted by the Global Niche.  A common theme that we took away from the very open, honest and sometimes raw dialogue between women from diverse cultures and backgrounds was the value of a forum which helps accompanying partners to feel that they are not alone and where accompanying partners can share experiences and support each other.  Families In Global Transition (FIGT) Director Judy Rickartson suggested that a regular “coffee morning”  might be a useful forum and the idea for the Expat Partners Online Coffee was born.

Our first meeting is this Friday at 12:00 noon GMT (use this time converter to check the time in your location) and our subject for the session will be Moving Beyond Expatriate Challenges.  If you’re an accompanying partner, please join us to share experiences, ask questions of others who have “been there, done that” or simply to listen.

You can find the information about how to join the event on our Facebook event page.  Louise and I have also posted some resources to get you thinking about the topic on the Event page.  Mark your calendar for this Friday, grab your cup of coffee, tea (or even a glass of wine if your time zone is right!) and join us for what promises to be a lively and informative event.

Filed under: The Expat Experience, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , | 3 Comments »

Comfort Zone – Part II

Posted on October 12, 2011 by thesmartexpat

In March, I wrote about moving overseas and what makes those of us who do so step so far out of our comfort zones. As many of you who have moved overseas this summer have probably discovered, the decision to move to a new country is just the first of many times in your expat life that you step outside your comfort zone.  At the moment you may be feeling that every time you step outside your door you’re stepping outside your comfort zone.  Simple things you take for granted in your home country may be feeling overwhelming.  Language can make a simple trip to the grocery store or a phone call seem challenging.  Cultural differences mean that everyday tasks are done differently and you don’t know where to begin.  You may be uncomfortable making small talk with new people but none of your friends and family are around.  By now, the initial excitement of living in a new country is probably wearing off leaving behind the reality of living your life in a country where nothing is familiar.  This is the time when many new expats (I include myself in this group) find themselves in tears in the middle of a metro station because some minor mistake or mishap is the last in a long list of tasks that haven’t gone quite the way they expected.

So how do you motivate yourself to keep moving forward with all the things you need to get done, when pretty much everything you feels difficult?

1. Team up with someone else who’s new.  You may not offer each other much in the way of help but you’ll be experiencing the similar things at similar times.  You’ll be able to cry on each others shoulders and maybe one day soon (I know it can be hard to imagine), laugh about your mistakes.

2. Don’t be shy about asking people who have lived in your community for a while for help to get things done.  You don’t have to learn everything the hard way – every expat has been where you are now and most are happy to pass on their knowledge and experience.

3. Give yourself goals for accomplishing the tasks which are outside your comfort zone.  Continually putting yourself in the situation of feeling helpless because you’re struggling to accomplish tasks that you could do with your eyes shut in your home country can be soul destroying.  Give yourself a goal to accomplish each day based on how ready you feel to take on the challenges.

4. Acknowledge your achievements.  It can be easy to look back and minimize what you have done because you’re measuring it against the benchmark of how easy it would be in your home country.  Recognise the challenges that make the task more difficult in your new country and celebrate overcoming them.

5. Enlist the support of your partner and help him or her to understand the challenges of the things you are doing so that he/she acknowledges the achievement too.  The last thing you want to see after telling your war story of how you negotiated the local systems to pick up your residence permit at the town office is that look that says “So what’s the big deal about that”

Be kind to yourself and, over time, you’ll find that all the things you found difficult at first become as familiar and simple as they were in your home country.

Don’t get too comfy though.  Once you’ve got the basics ticking along, part of the richness of living in another country and culture is to keep experiencing it on new levels and to do that you might find yourself once again stepping outside your comfort zone.

Filed under: Accompanying Partners, Expat Culture, Philanthropy, Settling In, The Expat Experience | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

6 Tips for Working with Host Country Relocation Agents

Posted on January 25, 2010 by thesmartexpat

Many expats on the move will have access to a host country relocation agent who is retained to help with things like house-hunting, school visits and immigration formalities among other things.  These are some of the most stressful aspects of moving and as a result the relationship between expat and relocation agent is often fraught with tension and difficulty.  Here’s my list of 6 things I do to ensure that I get the best from my relocation agent.

1.  I clarify with HR what services the relocation firm is contracted to provide. I’ve found that most relocation agents assume that I know what they are paid to help with and that if I don’t ask them to do something, it’s because I don’t need that service.  I’ve also found that expats (myself included) are often not told what services their relocation agent is contracted to provide unless we specifically ask and often miss out on valuable post-move support as a result.

2. Find out how my relocation firm gets paid. In some countries relocation firms are paid by  real estate agencies or have alliances with particular agencies.   It’s not hard to imagine how that will affect their behaviour.  I learned this lesson the hard way when I was househunting in Shanghai and noticed that our relocation agent was reluctant to take us to certain housing compounds.  We discovered later that the relocation agent would be paid by the compound we moved into and not  by my husband’s company (standard practice in Shanghai at the time).  I may not be able to change how my relocation agent is paid but at least I understand what is motivating him or her and can work around it.

3. Before my house-hunting trip I find out what else I can take care of while I am visiting my new country. Can I take care of  immigration formalities?  Is it possible to open a bank account when I am there?  And I make sure I ask my relocation agent well in advance so that appointments can be made if necessary.  My rule of thumb – if I can do something on my house-hunting trip which will help me to hit the ground running when I move, then I’ll  do it.

4. I find out if there are any key dates I need to know about. Are there deadlines for school applications or for submission of immigration forms?  I also make sure that I understand the sequence of events so that I can plan properly.  On one move, I discovered that neither  sea shipment nor air shipment could be cleared until we received our visas a month later.  I assumed that the air shipment would arrive straight away and had packed suitcases and luggage accordingly, leaving us without some of the things which would have made that first month much easier.

5. I research housing and schools before I go house-hunting. I use the internet and the advice of friends  to educate myself on schools, residential areas, rents and amenities, just as I would if I was moving in my home country.  As a result, I have a better idea of what I can expect and what I want and can offer my relocation agent more helpful and detailed input on what’s important for my family and can use my househunting time more efficiently.

6.  Communicate clearly and review each step. Often my native language is a second language for my relocation agent, and communication between us will be taking place by phone or e-mail leaving lots of room for miscommunication or misunderstanding.   At each juncture, I review action steps and make sure I understand who is responsible and by when.

As you can probably tell, I’ve developed  most of these tips from experience.  What have your experiences taught you about working with relocation agents?  Please share your stories and your own tips.


Filed under: Organising your Move | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

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