Expat Focus asked me to write about expat children this month.  I thought that rather than make it a general article about bringing up kids in an expat environment, I’d make it very personal and talk about the ways in which I think expat life has shaped my children.  If you’d like to know more you can read the full article at Expat Focus

How has relocation challenged your identity? (Photo: istockphoto.com)

Its been a busy month and I’m afraid my already erratic blogging schedule has suffered.  I’ll be writing about some of the things that I’ve been working on over the coming weeks but today I’m going to talk about identity which is the topic for Friday’s Expat Partner Online Coffee.

When the psychologist Erik Erikson coined the term “identity crisis”  in 1970, he was talking about the process of identity formation as experienced by adolescents.  Erikson spoke of an idenitiy of sameness and continuity, a relatively static concept.  However, those of us who move overseas know that moving to a new country can challenge our identity, our sense of self, on many levels.  We often start to appreciate as we become accustomed to living overseas, that the experience has, on some level, changed us fundamentally.  Looking at my own experiences, here are some of the ways that they have changed me:

1. When I first moved, my cultural identity was very much tied into my national identity.  While I still identify myself as Scottish, my views are more multi-cultural.  I understand the relativism of cultural perspectives and am not only more tolerant of cultural mores which are not my own but have adopted some which are definitely not those I grew up with.

2. Re-learning how to do simple daily tasks in several new countries where I don’t know the language has challenged my sense of self  as a competent and confident person (though this is usually only temporary).  On the positive side, I’m a person who can organise and execute and international relocation in 6 weeks and I can get things done in unfamiliar places.

3. Relinquishing my career to stay at home with the children has been a huge shift in identity.  I’m part of a generation of women who expected to have careers and continue them when we had our families – we actively rejected the 1950s/1960s ideal of a mother who stayed at home with the children.  Like many women, my identity was deeply entwined with what I did. So when I stopped working because moving internationally, maintaining a career and having young children seemed impossible, well, let’s just say it was definitely (maybe on some level still is) an identity CRISIS!

4. My foreign language capabilities in school were not that great.  I never thought of myself as a linguist.  In the last 15 years, I’ve learned to function in 4 languages besides my mother tongue.

5. Like women around the world, whether they’ve moved or not, being a mother has become a key part of my identity.   On some days that’s a good thing, on others not so much, but it’s part of me that is not going to change.

6. I’m an introvert by nature; happy in my own company, but moving around, making new friends and becoming part of new communities has made me step out of my introvert’s shell and take on some more extrovert characteristics.

Those are just some aspects of my identity that have changed but other things about me remain relatively unchanged; my fundamental values, I’m still an introvert at heart, there is still a core of me which is (for better or worse) tied up in having grown up in a very small community.

What challenged your identity when you moved overseas?

What aspects of yourself have remained unchanged?

How has living in a different culture and forming new social groups changed you?

Louise Wiles, Judy Rickatson and I will be discussing these and other questions when we talk about the “Impact of Relocation on Identiy and Sense of Self ” at the Expat Partner Online Coffee this Friday May 4th at 13:00 London/08:00 New York/20:00 Hong Kong  (if you’re not sure about the time in your own location check here ‘http://www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/converter.html).  Join us by clicking on this link https://www.linqto.com/rooms/thesmartexpatlive

We’ll continue the discussion on the Expat Partner Online Coffee Facebook Group (its a closed group, so you’ll have to ask to join).   Join us for what promises to be a lively discussion.

Think creatively about where to find support (i-stock photo)

When you become an expat and particularly an accompanying partner, the rug is pulled out from under your feet in terms of all of your familiar forms of support.  It happens at a time when you are dealing with multiple new challenges and could probably use a bit of EXTRA support.  This month at Expat Focus I wrote about where accompanying partners can find the support they need when nothing is familiar.

How did you feel about the support you had when you moved overseas?

How did you fill the gaps between the support you needed and the support you had?

Did you get support from an unexpected place or person?

Share your experiences in the comments section below.

Build your Support Network at the Expat Partner Online Coffee (photo: istockphoto.com)

You’ll remember that back in January,  Louise Wiles and I had the opportunity to participate in a conversation among accompanying partners hosted by the Global Niche.  A common theme that we took away from the very open, honest and sometimes raw dialogue between women from diverse cultures and backgrounds was the value of a forum which helps accompanying partners to feel that they are not alone and where accompanying partners can share experiences and support each other.  Families In Global Transition (FIGT) Director Judy Rickartson suggested that a regular “coffee morning”  might be a useful forum and the idea for the Expat Partners Online Coffee was born.

Our first meeting is this Friday at 12:00 noon GMT (use this time converter to check the time in your location) and our subject for the session will be Moving Beyond Expatriate Challenges.  If you’re an accompanying partner, please join us to share experiences, ask questions of others who have “been there, done that” or simply to listen.

You can find the information about how to join the event on our Facebook event page.  Louise and I have also posted some resources to get you thinking about the topic on the Event page.  Mark your calendar for this Friday, grab your cup of coffee, tea (or even a glass of wine if your time zone is right!) and join us for what promises to be a lively and informative event.

Which women touched your life?

One of the unequivocal benefits of being an expat is having had the opportunity to cross paths with a multitude of women whom I would never otherwise have met.  Each has touched my life in her own way and all of them have enriched my life in different ways.  I am still in touch with some of them, some I will likely never see again and others I have yet to meet in person.   Who are they?  They are:

• The women I have worked with – In my banking days they were the ones with whom I pulled all-nighters to finish a merger analysis .  Doing voluntary jobs like sorting clothes, they were the women with whom I laughed about the absurdity of people donating their questionable underwear and with whom I cried over the plight of the people to whom the clothes were being sent.
• The soon-to-be Mums, sharing the joy and fears the unknown lives ahead of us and the new Mums in baby groups, relieved to be in the company of other adults but so sleep deprived that we could barely string a sentence together.
• My fellow students in language classes, all grappling with the intricacies of a new language and the challenge of becoming a student again.
• The teachers of my language classes who patiently suffered the butchering of their mother tongue while trying to instill correct grammar, a respectable vocabulary and a bit of cultural understanding into their struggling students.
• The amazing Philippina women who have helped me in my home and with my children.  Making the unimaginable sacrifice of leaving their children behind so that they can earn enough money to give their children a better education and a better life, they manage to smile and to love our children like they were their own
• My fellow students (all Chinese) in my yoga teacher training class who struggled to comprehend the idea of Hindu deities and who (mostly) managed not to laugh at my relatively un-bendy Western body.
• The women who have taught my children, supporting them as they have made the transition to new schools and teaching them valuable life skills as well as academics.  They have provided my children with a supportive yet disciplined environment in which to learn and have saved me (and my children) from all but the briefest flirtation with homeschooling.
• The yoga teachers who have helped me to ground myself and stay balanced through all the stresses of international moves and the students who have attended my classes to enjoy some time focused on themselves
• My running buddies whose commitment to a goal has helped to make sure that I dragged myself out of bed  to make my own fitness goals
• The women that I’ve become friends with in each of the countries I’ve moved to (though our kids,  classes, committees, book and Bunco groups); the ones whom, as we’ve got to know each other better, become surrogate family members in the absence of  our real families.
• My online expat and coaching friends; the ones I’ve come to know as I’ve set up my business and who are unfailingly supportive of each other and the lives we all lead

These women have diverse backgrounds and nationalities.  They speak different languages and they have different goals in life but I was lucky enough to share a path with each of them for part of the journey.  As International Women’s Day comes to a close, I’m taking a few minutes to savour my good fortune in knowing each of them.  Who are the women who have touched your life as an expat?

What did you choose when you moved overseas? (istockphoto.com)

Thanks for your response to the Career Choice and the Accompanying Partner survey.   So far a phenomenal 300+ people have shared their experiences overseas but Louise and I want to be sure that everyone who has an experience to share has the opportunity to complete the survey.  If you haven’t already done so, please take 15 minutes to complete it now.  Here’s the link:

Complete the Career Choice and the Accompanying Partner Survey

In the meantime, the survey has been featured on several other websites and blogs.  Here are the links if you’re curious to learn more.

ExpatCareers.com

Expatica

I Was An Expat Wife 

Expat Arrivals

The survey will close at the end of the day tomorrow so hurry over there and complete it while you can.  Thanks!

Photo: istockphoto.com

My latest blog post over at Expat Focus is the first of two which addresses transitioning to life as an accompanying partner and talks about acceptance as the first step in the transition.  You can find the article here.

Breast Cancer Awareness campaigns on Facebook asking women to make cryptic comments about bra colours and where you put your handbag have created hype and hyperbole in the press and the blogosphere in previous years.  However,  2012′s campaign has caused minor havoc to erupt in the expat community.  This year, women are asked to post  ”I’m going to ________ for ___________ months”    The number of months is the day of the month on which you were born and the place (a country or city) is assigned based on your month of birth – January is Mexico, February, London etc.

A reader of the announcement “I’m going to New York for 23 months” might raise an eyebrow and perhaps ask a question or two.  But when the writer of the status is a globally mobile expat,  someone (maybe more than one) is going to take it seriously.   Thus, in recent weeks rumours have been spawned  - “Have you heard that the XYZs are moving to New York for 2 years?”; e-mails have been written and phone calls made to find out exactly what is going on –  ”OMG! New York for 2 years!  How amazing!”

I have to confess that I was one of several people who were “sucked in” (as my children say) by the first Breast Cancer Awareness status update I saw this year.  Of course, I should have been tipped off by the precision of the time-frame (23 months) but hey, it was a military family and they are precise.  I was seconds off sending a note to a second friend when I realised that is was the breast cancer thing and she is not in fact “going to London for 11 months”.  (What can I say, I was the kid who pulled out her Oxford English when a classmate asked “Did you know the word gullible isn’t in the dictionary?”!)

What it did make me realise is that when you’ve moved to another country once, your perspective on moving is altered.  You don’t see it as such a scary proposition; after all you’ve done it before.  Your friends and family view your mobility differently too – you’ve already moved to one other country so its easily conceivable that you might move to another.  A serial expat  is born?

I’ve moved countries 6 times already and I’d prefer to avoid the fallout so you won’t be seeing “I’m going to Austria  for 10 months” on my Facebook status this spring.

Can’t tell you how excited I am that I’ve been invited, along with Louise Wiles (my co-conspiritor on the Career and the Accompanying Partner Survey) to participate in an online discussion with Tara Agacayak and Anastasia Ashman, initiators of the Global Niche. Louise and I contacted Tara and Anastasia to ask for their help in publicising our Career Choice and the Accompanying Partner survey. As we got deeper into the conversation about the origins of our survey, our own backgrounds and our perspectives on the challenges of leading a fulfilling life and career (however that is defined) as an accompanying partner, they suggested that the topic would be of interest to the wider membership of the Global Niche and offered us the chance to participate in an online discussion. Needless to say, we jumped at the opportunity.

If you haven’t come across it before, the Global Niche is an amazing resource aimed at supporting “creative self enterprise for the global soul”. Tara is an expat living in Turkey and Anastasia has recently relocated from Turkey to her native US (so recent that she is still surrounded by boxes) so they understand the challenges of living in different countries and cultures. As an accompanying partner you may well find that these words from their website ring true:

“Ever feel suspended between multiple worlds? Disadvantaged in your pursuits and interests, cut off by culture or geography, language or time zone? We believe that limbo state holds your secret weapon.”

Through sharing their own experiences, their creative, social media and coaching skills, and the experiences of other creative entrepreneurs, Tara and Anastasia help other “global souls” (yes, that includes all of us accompanying partners!) to find and tap their own Global Niches. I’ve been a member of the Global Niche since its inception, so I’m very excited that Louise and will be discussing the challenges of being accompanying partner with Tara, Anastasia and the Global Niche community. The call which will be hosted on Linqto, an online video chat tool, is free and open to all participants. If you’d like to listen to the discussion live and participate in the q&a afterwards, here’s the link:

https://www.facebook.com/events/325584220815080/

We’ll be kicking off at 7pm CET/10am US Pacific. If you can’t be with us live, I’ll be posting a link to the recording as soon as its available. Oh, and if you haven’t done the survey yet, please take a few minutes to complete it.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/partnerscareerchoices

Looking forward to seeing you online on Friday.

Happy New Year! I’ve been in Australia over the holidays visiting family and friends and enjoying some of the sunshine and warmth that I missed during the last Northern European summer. While I was away, I wrote my second article for Expat Focus on Goal Setting. If you haven’t thought about what you want to do or achieve in 2012, perhaps these tips and resources will inspire you to reach for your dreams this year. One of the ways to engender a sense of accountability for a goal is to share it with others so use the comments below to share what you’d like to achieve in 2012.